Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

me at the job i begged god for

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

#Caturday

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]