The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
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My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”