@Eagle_Vision

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

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@FlyJ_

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

@Conchvegas1

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

@marebytes

In my opinion – until they add extra fries, a martini & a joint – they have no business calling it a Happy Meal

@TinaraMinus10

A handsome man came up to me today & said “Hi what’s your name?”

I said “You on Twitter?” He said “No”

We’re getting married on Monday!

@Home_Halfway

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself

*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*

Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours

@dumbbeezie

Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas