I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
All is fair in drunk and war.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.