Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…