The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!