The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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cat vs inanimate object
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
reviewed some movies recently
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.