The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
You Might Also Like
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.