The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for