The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.


I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.


Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?


My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper


“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores


Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did


video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.


If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.


Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.


WIFE: Hurry up or we’ll get caught in the rain.

ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.