@TheTweetOfGod

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

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@ch000ch

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

@Daveastated

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

@AllanCresswell

Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?

@lottie_fly_x

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

@omaddiyo

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

@bobby

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

@dmc1138

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

@TylerLinkin

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: Hurry up or we’ll get caught in the rain.

ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.