Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Follow your instincts, into the path of a moving train.
INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.
Has anyone got a spare ‘medically induced coma’ I can borrow ?
*takes glass out of dishwasher*
*doesn’t know where it goes*
*leaves on counter*
*wife puts it back in dishwasher*
*repeat for last 7 years*
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.