The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on