@TheTweetOfGod

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

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@TheRohiniReddy

Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation

@sofarrsogud

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

@NicestHippo

Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it

@AndrewNadeau0

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

@Discourt

INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.

@iwearaonesie

*takes glass out of dishwasher*
*doesn’t know where it goes*
*leaves on counter*
*wife puts it back in dishwasher*
*repeat for last 7 years*

@dave_cactus

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!