The problem with self checkout is that all the cashiers are idiots.
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again