Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.