The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
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I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.