The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
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This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Wednesday
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Risking my life for fun.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.