The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You Might Also Like
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Voting is the worst group project
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.