The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You Might Also Like
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
🖤✌🏽
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
This tweet has been deleted
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know