@TheCatWhisprer

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

- @TheCatWhisprer

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@shutupmikeginn

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

@ThinkingSavage

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

@samdunsiger

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

@XplodingUnicorn

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

@SatansTongue

*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”

Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.

@NeinQuarterly

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

@SarahMJade

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

@Phook75

I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house