I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[turning off Shrek 2]
well, i’d say that movie was shrekcellent!
“trent, 1 more shrek pun and i’m divorcing you.”
oh karen, don’t ogre-react
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.