the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
