the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose