Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

So true for me

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.