Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

🤣

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

wow he looks just like him

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.