@runawaycupcake

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

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@rockymomax

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

@Ideal_Victoria

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

@4ScoreN20Bowls

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

@AlexReekie

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

@KeetPotato

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

@Gorilla_Turd

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

@JimSterling

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

@thenoahkinsey

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

@JohnLyonTweets

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

@Antinomy001

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”