The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Natty or not?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
🤣😈🤣
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.