The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.