The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.