The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.