The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.