The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
mariah carrie
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.