Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.