The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
found a horse’s reddit account
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar