I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late