Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

be safe out there!

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe