Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

I have a black belt in leather

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.