Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now