Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to sieze this.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.