Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

🙂🙃🥹

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.