Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

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Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

that would 100% work on me

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

You got this…