The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
The biggest mystery of our time
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
