The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
