*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache