Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.