Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.