Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

*performs CPR on the turkey*

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

100% of divorces begin with marriage.