Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other