Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Found the job I’m suited for

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers