Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

a man came to my show and sent me a lengthy message about how terrible the experience was because of the comfort of the chairs. do people think the comedian buys the chairs? i turn up 10 hours early, just assembling them from ikea flatpacks.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Fluff me with a fork baby

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.