The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
just witnessed a drug deal
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.