The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
i think we should see other cousins
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.