The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.