Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

The cycle continues

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.