The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
necessity is the mother of invention
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today