The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
ㅤ A R G H
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt