The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes