The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.