Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”