Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oops 🤭

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.