Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato