The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
The chart results are in…
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?