Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

My dog after a walk in the woods.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere