Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.