My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The projected sales figur-
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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“I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Every headline on the internet
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.
Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.
[overhears guy saying economy is bad]
[later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.