The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
You Might Also Like
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.