The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Goat cheese is for herders.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish