Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.