The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
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(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar