The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit