The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I love wikipedia
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.