the prophecy has been fulfilled
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.