the prophecy has been fulfilled
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I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house