The prophecy is fulfilled
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Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.