The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I beg your pardon?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
.. do you even science?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?