The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
#Caturday
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Go hard or stay average
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.