Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.